As some of you may know, my name is Shawnie. Now... some of you might not know that this has not always been my name. The name given to me when I was born was Chantelle.
7th May 1997 2:07pm was the day I was born. Chantelle was the registered birth name and as far I was aware up until I was ten years old-ish, my father was R.Smith
Now in 2005 my name was changed my depol to Shawnie Smith. - Shawnie was something that R. Smith had chosen, and Smith? Well my mum and dad got married so surely it would make sense to make me a Smith too?
Anyway to save all the confusion, I will put it in black and white.
Michelle Smith is my biological mother- she is a fantastic mum too.
R. Smith - I thought was my biological father but actually is my step father. He took on the role as my Dad just after I was born, I am always grateful of that as he done a certain degree of bringing me up however there is things I am not grateful for such as the minimal effort he put in.
My Mum met my biological father when she was young and they were not right for each other. Mum fell pregnant with me however her and my biological father were not meant to be. They went their separate ways but didn't leave things on a good note. It was visible that this guy was not ready for this commitment and responsibility yet or if he was, My mother was not the right person to start a family with. The sad truth.
My mother was carrying me and she met my step dad, he decided that he would take me on as his own as the biological father was not on the scene. My mother just wanted the best for me and a father figure to be there during my upbringing. She didn't want me to be without a "Dad".
A decade past and I was a mature ten year old, I felt I got adult life. Even though I was ten, I had mature outlooks and was just, with it really. More than likely because I spent a lot of time with my mum as I saw her as my best friend. Mum had just given birth to my brother Theo whom she had with R.
My mother sat me down in the front room and she was asking questions like "You understand that there is some children out there who don't know who their parents are? " and " If you discovered that your dad , actually isn't your biological Dad, how would you feel" and honestly , I was like HUH- why are you asking these questions mum? She then went onto explaining that R. is not my biological Dad but had the courage to take me on as his own and he will continue to play that role as long as you let him. She felt like she owe me the truth- Wow. That's crazy. Some things started to make sense like , I didn't have any genetic make-up from him and our personality's are very different and we had different views on life completely. Mum went onto asking me like "Do you want people to know?" and I just wanted to carry my life on as normal.
As my teenage years passed, it was more apparent that me and my step father clashed. I did not agree with how he spoke to my mum, treated her, me and others. Without going into too much detail we did not get along at all. Yes I am appreciate of certain things he paid for , I wouldn't of been able to do certain things if he didn't fund them however, time and effort is more valuable in my eyes, and I still stick to that outlook- He was hard work to try and communicate with, felt like walking on egg shells. I avoided making the effort because I knew somehow it would result in a disagreement. I did always try to do right by him but felt this was never good enough. I still was very appreciate of the things he done for me like, pay for me to go to High School and bought me my mo-ped but despite of him buying these things, I still felt like he didn't want to have a father/daughter relationship with me, I almost felt like he wanted to argue. Again I can't thank him enough for certain things he did for me, like taking me on as his own , that is a brave thing to do, but , effort and time is so precious and at the time I wish he had more of that for me.
People use to always ask me " Why don't you reach out to your real dad?" My answer to that was NO way are you kidding me!? I hate rejection, I honestly would break down into a million of pieces. No.
As years went by, my step father had kicked me out for the most stupid reasons. You would of thought the extent he went to for punishment I was either knocked up, doing class A drugs, or trashed the place and treated him like shit. I am not being biased, I was a good kid. I never put a cigarette in my mouth, tempted to try drugs and always was careful and safe. And for those who really know me, I am extremely friendly and nice. I have ambitions, motivation and drive. The kick outs was beyond dramatic and for which I did not deserve.
The third and final kick out was the one. Mothers day 2018. He told me he didn't think there was any reason for us to talk ever again and wanted me to get out of the house. He wanted nothing to do with me all over my puppy having a waz up the wash basket and telling him some home truths on how he should put his family first which he never does. I was mentally strong enough to take it.. I am a grown ass women. Twenty one years of age, I ain't letting anyone speak to me like that, no one. I will not be made to feel like I am a child, I was renting at the age of 19 and had my shit together because I wanted too. I have had these threats twice before, I was strong enough to take them.
No - actually I wasn't. This one broke me.
. Full on rejected from whom was suppose to be like my dad. He rejected me. Great. Was I really this bad of a person?Just thoughts of not being loved and good enough was just spiraling around my brain. I am actually a pretty good daughter or tried to be.
This point in time is felt so shit and so dark, I couldn't imagine things getting worse from here or what I would do if they did...
The following day early hours.. Maui (my puppy who was only around 7 months at this point) got hit by a car as he had escaped from the house...
How freaken worse can it get from here? I was just devastated. This was my lowest point in my life. Everything that I loved was being taken away from me. Why? I felt so much anger and frustration. I have never cried so hard in my life. That dog is my world. He was the only thing that couldn't hurt me or reject me,so loyal, and I felt that moment in time, he was going to be taken away from me too.
After an emergency vet appointments at 6 in the morning, we were told he was lucky. Maui had only suffered with soft tissue damage in his back legs. He had an angel up there-
Thank u.<3
