(The sappy song below is what I listen to when I write/read- means alot to me)
It was 5am on a dewy yet humid Wednesday morning. The sun had barely made it over the horizon and my eyes were stuck together with the sleep from my eyes. I prised them open to the sound of Wills voice.
"Wake up Shawn , we're leaving" Will yelled
I rubbed my eyes and looked over at him, " You wanna leave this early?"
Will was rushing around the room packing the suitcase up, " Yes, I really want to get there! I'm excited, come on darl, lets go! "
I lept out of bed and began to pack the suitcase up, I was barley awake and Will had told me he had been up for hours.
We headed out the door and straight onto the road. We played country music the whole way there and despite me drifting in and out of sleep throughout the journey, I didn't at all mind it. The scenery changes were immense, how it went from swampy to sky scrapers to more country like was captivating.
The road there was pretty much straight, you went through cities with large sky scrapers, past a large race way complex in Daytona which was sensational to see, it was absolutely enormous and if you have ever seen the walking Dead, it looked like that on the highways. (That's where it was filmed)
I loved seeing how different it was driving through. I feel in England you can go 5 hours down the road, and it all still looks the same, but this was not the case. It changed so rapidly. It was engrossing. You couldn't take your eyes off the road.
The sunrise was beautiful in the mornings, the warm rosy glow was inviting and how the golden twinkle reflected off the sky scrapers and just touched the horizon was memorizing. It was peaceful, even though the roads were fairly congested with traffic, it was still so peaceful, every time I woke up I was taking every little bit in and taking photos with my memory.
Will woke me up from my sleep and I glanced at the clock and it was 10 am.
"We are only an hour and half away baby, just went through Jacksonville"
I saw the sign saying Goodbye Florida and Hello Georgia. We were in a different state now and boy could you tell the difference. My heart was going mental. Like some kind of spasm. My mind was calm, everything else wasn't. I was so excited, but scared , nervous , ecstatic. My feelings were very conflicting and I was very overwhelmed. I just couldn't wait to see him, I was praying to God that he would like me.
"Are you excited?" Will looked over at me rubbing my eyes.
" Nervous now, I have a belly ache"
"Why? It's fine, nothing to be nervous about, it's going to be exciting!"
He could see I was getting anxious and I was winding myself up with thoughts, he was trying to occupy my mind by listing all the amazing things we were going to see and do.
My racing heart began to settle and I started to feel more calm. I held onto Wills hand just because I wanted to feel my mind was safe, that I composed myself and that I was how I was months ago, open mind and open heart.
"It's going to be okay you know? Nothing scary about this, it's all good"
" I know that, and I keep telling myself " I reassured him and myself.
We approached very rapidly to Savannah and it was absolutely beautiful. The tree's they are famously known for, Southern Live Oak tree's, which have spanish moss hanging from them made it feel like some sort of fairy tale land. The moss just gracefully hangs there and sometimes they just tickle the floor. It was so welcoming and visually astonishing. It made me instantly feel relaxed. It was weird how nature can be some calming.
We pulled into Dad's road and I recognised it so well from when I explored it on Google Street View. I scanned the houses to try and find Dad's and I instantly found it.
"Will, there! That's Dad's!"
"Wow , good spot Shawn" He said sounding surprised I was so alert and paying attention.
I could spot it because on Video Call he showed me his brand new bright red door he just put on. The red was startling red, like as red as a fire engine, and it stood out so well because the painted grey brickwork complimented it. It took me a while to register that his Silverado truck and boat was on the drive, I was more engaged in the bright red door. It was so welcoming and it made you want to go inside, my nerves were disappearing and I felt relieved already. I spotted the bottle brush bushes aswell that he once planted whilst he was on video call to me, they had grown so much. I reflected back to that video call and remember Dad telling me how he was planting them for me and how he wanted his house to look nice for when we arrived.
I looked over at Will and he pulled a fun face at me.
I sighed to myself, " We are here" , the adrenaline hit my body like a huge wave. Hard. My heart rate must of increased from 72bpm to 130 bpm in seconds. I was having palpitations which I was trying to ignore and put side. I stepped out of the car and instantly just stepped onto his front lawn. I noticed that there grass is so different to ours, like cabbage almost, so thick , long and bouncy. I just watched Will get the luggage out, I really was not helpful at this point because I was in some kind of bubble. If I could go back I'd smack the shit out of myself and tell myself to get a grip. The weird thing was ,even though my body was feeling nervous, in my head , I was fine, I was okay and felt almost normal, it was weird.
I exhaled out and felt better for it. I knocked onto the red door three times and looked again at Will for reassurance.
I peeked through the square window pane and saw Dad come to the door. It opened. That moment I will remember forever.
We both stood there for a brief second, smiled at eachother and then hugged. He held me tight and I just said in a high pitch voice "HEEYYYYY DAD !!! "
I could hear Will laughing to himself and someone speaking on the phone in the background.
"HEY GUYS! Come on in, I am so sorry but I am in the middle of a meeting, y'all are early! I am sorry about this!"
We stepped in and it was a very surreal moment. I felt lightheaded, yet relieved but also like I wasn't within reality. I cannot begin to express to you that feeling I had when I hugged Dad for the first time. It was an awarding moment, you know you see moments of those TV shows where people meet there biological parents for the first time, it was so like that, it was such a special memory for me and it would remain stuck in my brain forever. To actually get to hug him felt like some kind of blessing. Something I never thought I would ever do.
It was true the older I got the more curious I got about my biological father, I think I was so adiment as a child I was never going to meet him or have him in my life and then after being let down by the father figure I had in my life, I thought... sod it, I have been let down by the person I thought I had the most, if my 'donar' isn't interested it won't be detrimental. Donar, that's what I use to refer him as sometimes, I was a kid. The drop made me who I am today and how strong I have had to be. Dad being so welcoming and took me in with open arms was a real shock for me and still to this moment, I cannot quite believe it's happened.
Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad.
Will answered for me because I think I was in some kind of shock and kept replaying that very moment back in my head, trying to convince myself it really was real.
"No problem nate, we are early! You carry on we will look around! "
Will was so relaxed about it all, it helped me alot because It made me not feel like it was so much a big deal, but I don't think he quite understood fully how much of a huge thing it was for me, or he did- but didn't put it in perspective.
I stepped into the house and recognised a lot of it from video call. It was like when you have just discovered something incredible for the first time and you gawp at everything around you. I looked at photographs and noticed Dad's dog 'Cotton' came over to see me. He was a awesome looking white Frenchie. He was so friendly and I kneeled down to give him some attention. I was taking every little detail in, from the coarseness of cottons hair to how the laminate moved if I stepped on a certain area. It was like you had to take everything in just in case you wasn't going to see it again.
"I can't believe we made it, we are here" I said standing up and swung the rucksack back onto my shoulder.
"I know , how cool is this!" Will said looking at all the rooms.
It honestly was so cool.
"Y'all's bedroom is the first one, make yourself at home"
Home. Funny word that is. What even is home? I have home hopped a good few times all thanks to my step father. Home means a few things to me, it's being somewhere where you feel stable, safe and happy. I also see it as a feeling. You feel home. That saying where they go 'home is where the heart is', I like that, and it really is, wherever you feel your happiest and the most stable in life, that's your home. That's what home is.
I was in shock. Complete shock. I didn't know what to say or do with myself. It was like something you can never imagine happening... HAPPENING!
Will was putting our stuff in the room and I was wandering around the house and just taking everything in, looking at photographs, touching the wood work and checking out the Garden, it was perfect here.
Dad's voice was echoing into the sun room and I was just absorbing it, the strong southern accent and how I could hear it in real life and not through a screen or a phone call.
Even though Dad was on a conference call, he still kept ensuring his attention was focused on me, which meant the world to me. He came over and kissed me on the head and gave me a huge cuddle. It was like, I expected myself to cry but I was doing pretty well. I was starting to feel excited and more relaxed.
I heard the door open and it was Dad's girlfriend Melinda. She looked so glamorous. She had such a kind face and her positive energy was so nice to be around and welcomed with.
"HI GUYS! Oh my gosh, did you just arrive?! Your early!" She opened her arms.
I went over and gave Melinda a hug and said " HEY! Yeah were a little early! I think Dad is in the middle of some meeting but its fine we have been looking around, it's incredible here"
"You guys got swim stuff? I think we are going to go to the Yatch club to eat and then back at mine for a swim"
Wow. a Yatch club. Fancy. I just couldn't believe the stuff that was happening , it felt like I couldn't deserve an experience like this, I was super excited.
I looked at Will and open my mouth and my eyes widened!
"The Yatch Club!? Do I need to dress up to go there?"
Melinda laughs and goes "Oh no, it's like beach casual wear, that's fine!"
Dad got off the call and they spoke about arrangements, he hugged me once more. It was so nice to feel so loved and the affection made me already feel like I really was his daughter.
Dad put his arm around me and said " You guys hungry?"
Will rubbed his stomach and said "STARVING"
We packed some swim stuff and headed to the Yatch club in Melinda's car.
When we arrived , I couldn't quite believe how grand it was. Hugmongous. It was another jaw dropping moment, I couldn't believe someone like me could get to experience being on a complex like this. It was like something you would see in a movie.
There was large expensive Yatch's surrounding the complex, I couldn't believe my eyes.
We approached a table with two blonde girls on and one was waving crazily at me and I honestly had no idea who it was to start off with... I was almost worried she was waving at someone behind me and I would look like an idiot for waving back.
Dad smiled and introduced me and Will to them.
"Shawnie ,Wills, this is Avery and Claudia. Avery is Melinda's youngest daughter and Claudia is her bestfriend."
I was so excited to meet Melinda's kids because they seemed like awesome people and Dad spoke so highly of them.
"Oh hey! Nice to meet you!"
We ate lunch there and spoke for ages about getting to know eachother and just had a really nice time. They made me feel so welcome and it meant a lot they spoke to us so much, they genuinely seemed so interested. Avery was gorgeous and she was hilarious, her sense of humour reminded me of mine, so that was pretty awesome.
My legs began to shake under the table, I started to move them around so it would stop. The adrenaline must of just kicked in. Will clocked it and put his hand on my leg to reassure he was there.
After we finished up we went back to Melindas house. I must admit I was a little quieter than my usual self, but that was just purely the fact I was taking every little moment in. I still was in shock. It was a little bit of a blur if I am being completely honest.
We arrived at her house and her drive way was quadraple the size of our house and garden. It was so long... Her house... now that, was mind blowing. Her house was heavenly and just something a film star would have. Beautiful inside and out. It was another mouth opening moment when we went inside and looked around.
"Wow, Melinda, your house is real nice"
"Thank you, I like it" she laughed
I couldn't believe my eyeballs. Dads house was beautiful and unreal but Melindas was a whole other level.
We went into the Pool and I just spent quality time with Dad. It was nice to actually get to spend time with him and the fact I was doing that.
I analysed his face and all the little characteristics. I could see things in him that we both had. Our eyes , lips, nose and the round head. His complexion was deep and dark which highlighted the fact he was half Mexican. I am more white but people recognise in the sun how dark I can go.
"How did you feel coming up here?" Dad looked over at me
"Fine, I wasn't worried"
"You weren't!?" Dad said surprised
"Not really, were you?" It's kind of true, the whole build up I was so not nervous but then it just hit me. I didn't want to let onto Dad I was nervous though, I didn't want him to see me weak. I will never let onto anyone when I am weak. Except y'all that are now reading...
"No, I was excited! I can't believe y'all are here, I'm happy"
"Me too Dad"
"I AM SO SURPRISED YOU TWO HAVEN'T BLARRED YET" Will said laughing as always.
Me and Dad both laughed.
Truth is, I didn't cry yet and I too was surprised because I am such an emotional person and I honestly believe I was in shock still.
"Lets have a photo together" Dad said, I wanted to get so many photos of us.... I just wanted an endless album of photographs of this trip, it was something I would want to remember forever. Photographs speak thousands.
I couldn't believe I had travelled over 4,000 miles to turn up on my biological fathers door step after not knowing him for 21 years of my life. It was a crazy moment for me, I still look at this photograph over again and again and think, wow this is the first picture I had taken with my Dad, when most people's first photo graphs with their Dads is when they have just been born.
I don't get to see my Dad every day and I know there is loads of other people who also is in that same position but if you do get to have your Dad around , never take that for granted and be sure to see them as much as you can because you never know when they may not be there anymore.
(I published this photograph onto my Instagram and I got 332 likes and for a small account, that means a lot to me, so thank you all for the support.)
I will not lie to you, people have turned away from me, unfollowed me on social media, and thought- I guess 'Bad' of me for doing what I have done because I did have a step father in my life however, my step father chose to walk away and gave up on me, not the other way round. I think people only see a piece of my life and don't fully know what happened behind closed doors so that's where they should just give me a break, I don't feel I am a bad person, or should be frowned upon for seeking my real Dad, I am a human being with feelings and I care a whole lot more than people realise. Thankfully my Mum has been incredibly supportive of this and I am glad I made my decision , I cannot be more grateful for how many people have been supportive of my decision. To have my Dad in my life and dedicate so much time and effort is something I will forever be grateful for and forever thank him for, after 21/22 years , he could of thought it was too late too have me in his life however he didn't, he gave me the reaction anyone could have wished for and more. I love you Dad and thank you.
Dad and his girlfriend were so welcoming and accommodating, I couldn't of felt more welcome. I know Will was grateful too.
We headed to Melinda's son school to watch his football game later on that evening, wow that was so cool, I always wanted to go to an American school and see what it was like, and it really was like in the movies. I got to sit on a bleacher and watch the parents cheer and shout on their kids during the game. It was such an experience and little things like this which wasn't a big deal for them was a big deal for me.
As the evening approached quickly we got to meet Melindas son after his game and he was awesome too. We went to Dinners at a quirky restaurant called Castaways and it served the most delicious food, battered shrimp! Also Mason, Melinda's eldest daughter works there so we got to meet her also! She was wicked.
Over a couple of days we explored Savannah with Dad, we went to forthsyth park, downtown Savannah, Pooler outlets and Tybee Island. I fell inlove with it, sure did love that place a whole lot already. Dad spoiled me with gifts and I just was beyond grateful for his generosity.
Dad provided me with my birthday present which meant alot he got me one, he didn't have too. I really wasn't expecting it either. He handed it to me and it was in an box, immaculately tied. I undoing the ribbon slowly because I didn't want the excitement to end.
It was a platinum necklace with an emerald pendent attached. My birthstone. I was so grateful for this because so much thought and consideration had gone into the gift. It was absolutely beautiful and I love the colour green also. It put a lump in my throat. It made my eyes feel glassy.
"Thanks so much Dad, thank you too Melinda, it means the world to me, you have no idea"
"No problem baby girl, you deserve it, do you know what it is, it's your birthstone!"
"I know Dad, thanks so much, i love it , I will never take it off"
I put it on straight away and held it close to my heart. Treasure my first birthday present from my Dad forever.
I kept thinking of my Mum, how incredible she was raising me, she worked a full time job just to ensure I could have the best life. I wish she could see everything I was experiencing.
3 DAYS IN
It was a Saturday and we planned to meet Dad's friends and have a boat meet on the river. They told me they tie up around 6 or 7 boats, play music, drink, eat and chill. It sounded like the perfect day out. Me and Will love going on boats so it was well up our street.
Their boats are really different to ours. Like, their speakers are integrated within the boats and they go about 60mph on the water, it was so much fun.
We played some awesome music, alot of it I hadn't really heard before , but I just wanted to keep hearing forever because it wouldn't take me away from the moments I was having here. I can remember smelling how salty the air was and how it was sticking to my skin when we were going quick on the boat. I kept looking at Dad to show him how happy I was and every time I looked at him he was there smiling right back at me.
I was having such an amazing time and I could feel my cheeks and jaw hurt because I was smiling and laughing so much. Oh what a feeling.
There was so much laughter and happiness in the air, it was refreshing to be around. It was like what you imagined heaven to be like, just filled with great people, happy vibes, great music and on the water. It was a feeling I never wanted to escape.
After an awesome day, we all decided to head back to Melindas and have a pool party. The fun doesn't stop there.
It was so much fun, I cannot tell you the fun I had, it was the best. I was high on life.
As twilight approached and the sun began to set, I felt sad that all the fun had started to come to and end and that people were leaving. I was starting to help clear up the empty beer bottles and pick up the red cups like they have in the movies and Dad walked over to me and said "Did you have fun today kiddo?"
Fun, I had the best time of my life. It was an amazing feeling to be surround by it.
"The best time Dad"
He wrapped his arms around me and I just never wanted him to let go. You can tell alot from a hug, you can feel it that they care and it just speaks alot. It just hit me. I found my dad. I found him through linked in over 7 months ago, put my heart in his hands and now I have made it. It was that feeling I was experiencing, "I made it, you did it Shawnie, you actually did it." All my worries melted away and my heart filled was love and happiness.
I held him tighter because I didn't want him to stop hugging me, my heart was hurting, my throat had a hard lump and I was trying to hard not to cry. But it did all come out. I couldn't stop, you know when it catches your breath and it just floods out. That kind of cry. I could feel people in the room watch us and their convosations just faded out eventually to pure silence. I knew people just paused and looked over because they too were taking in what was happening. It when you cry like that breathing becomes more difficult and to try and control is becomes tough. I knew if Mum could see me at the moment she would have been so proud of me, she tells me everyday how proud of me she is for gaining the courage to do this.
I put my head on Dads shoulder and looked over at Will who I could see looking at us both and he too was in floods of tears. I reached out for him whilst still hugging Dad. He too joined me on this journey and as strong and heroic he makes out to be, I know it must of affected him too.
'No matter how old she may be, sometimes a girl just needs her Dad'
I could hear Dad swallowing hard to fight back the tears and he held me tighter just so I couldn't see him too crying. It was so very real at that moment for me and it made my heart ache that I actually got to do this and I can't believe that I had the courage to do it. Shawnie about a year ago would of never pushed herself to make this work. She wasn't strong enough.
And strength is what you really have to have. I prepared myself for rejection and disappointment because that's what I built myself up for, I was convinced I was going to be shut down but I was so wrong. He already had a life and I couldn't compete for that. I just think because when you have someone who you look up to as your father and then they go to show they care so little about you to drop you like there is no love there over petty arguments, and I stress the word petty, it puts into consideration how vulnerable it can make you feel. It makes you question if you are unlovable and that's when I tried to seek some answers from my real Dad. I know my mum loves me of course but by a father, is that the case with me.
I remember one of the first questions I asked my Dad, "Was it because you just couldn't love me or perhaps you never wanted me as a daughter?"
He explained to me in such detail and dedicated so much time to answer all my questions when I first found him and that in itself meant alot. He explained that was far from the case and it was nothing to do with me but him and Mum was toxic together and he ran away from it which he was never proud of but wanted to fix the present.
I love my Dad, and I will never loose that love for him, he restored my faith and reassured me there was hope still left in the world. I never want to loose him or not have him in my life because this trip made up for the missing 21 years. It's not about money or extravagant gifts ,it about time , effort and making you feel appreciated. He already done a pretty awesome job of that.
He was already a father to a daughter, which presented me with such happiness and joy because I knew that there was a chance I could be his daughter too.
I love you Dad, never let go.