What a year 2019 has been for us. It has been an absolute whirl wind of emotions and it seems like still all a dream. I use to recall laying on my bed thinking where about's in the world my Dad was and a decade later I met him.
People say "So what's next?"
The story hasn't finished yet. I am still getting to know my Dad and understand how he works and lives. It's very different life to what I live. People ask " If you had the opportunity to move over there, would you?" the short answer is Yes. Before Dad was even in the picture, me and Will pinpoint South Carolina to move too and said one day we will do it. When we found out Dad lives an hour away, it was abit spooky, like it's meant to be. Anywhere in the world, and we pinpint an hour away from where my Father lives.
The next question people ask is "What does your mum think? Is she upset?" When I told my mum that I wanted to migrate to the states to make up time with Dad, she encouraged me to do it! Her words were " Shawnie, I encourage you to do it, I know what a better life they live out there and it's a once in a life time opportunity, go chase your dreams", I believe deep down my Mum is sad, of course It's only natural, but it meant the world she supports my decision. This is what makes her one of the best mum's there. My mum is one of the toughest women I have ever came across and I am glad I got that from her, if I didn't, I wouldn't of been able to proceed with meeting my real dad. I have her to thank, for everything really.
People speak to me about how their fathers raised them and how some feel like that their Dad's are their best friends and others feel like they barley know their Dad. I get that. I get both of those statements and I can relate to both of them. Because already, I feel like I have found a friend and a father.
When I was younger , around the age of 9, I met a girl who recently moved across the road and she was a similar age to me. I had got to know this girl really well, her name was Chynna and she was living with her father and they appeared to be the best of friends, her father had the kindest smile and heart and you could tell he would do absolutely anything for her. They laughed and joked like they were the best of buds and he always made the time for her, always.
When your at that age, it can confuse you to why you don't have a friendship or relationship like that with your father and even though times I tried, my step father just didn't seem interested, he was very straight laced and had quite a cold personality. I get people show love in different ways but I do not believe that anyone can agree that 100% of your love is shown through money. It's like he did financially support me and my mum but forgot the actual fathering part and even being a husband. A quote I discovered during this process is that "A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty".I am sure deep down my step father has a heart, and he is a good person, I don't think he is the most awful person in the world, of course not, I just don't think I fitted into his world, which I now have finally accepted.
"What does it mean to be a father?"
Fatherhood is a life long responsibility, just when the kids are beyond 18, doesn't mean you stop being a father. Sure Dads ,you pocket some pennies but emotionally, you still require to be there for your kids and guide them throughout their life, until you take your last breath. Being a father, it means being there forever for your kids, through the best days and the worst. Being a father means you give advice, support and time to your kids, you build memories that you cherish forever. "Being a good Dad starts with presence, not presents"
"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."
Being a good father means showing up when it matters the most. It means waking up earlier than usual to eat breakfast with them. It means being an active part of their life instead of standing on the sidelines, handing them a wad of cash, and thinking the gift of money makes you involved in their life. Money doesn't compensate love or time.
Being a good father means dealing with your own problems in the most mature way that you can, so that your children can look up to you, so they can call you their hero and learn from you how to deal with situations later on in life.
It means taking responsibility for your actions, knowing when to apologies for when you have done wrong. It also means to work on yourself to better you.
It means to listen, listen when your kids need you and you don't always have to give the best advice, but just let them know you are always there to protect them.
Even more importantly, it means taking care of yourself so that your kids see that their mental health should always be considered a priority. So they never let themselves fall apart. So they never fall down the dark road of self-destruction.
Being a good father means being a good person. It means having a good heart. It means putting your children before yourself because you love them more than you have ever loved yourself. That's what being a good father is.
âžœDid you know that 43% of children are without a father ?
➜ Did you know that children with involved fathers are more likely to do better in school?
âžœDid you know that girls do better in mathematics when growing up with a father figure?
"Whats the best thing about being a father?"
1# - "Having her sleep on my chest."
23#- "Spending time with my children and watching them achieve and mature."
63# -"The best thing is everything. It is the most exhausting exhilarating exciting experience in the world."
95# -"Being a teacher, friend and guide. But mostly you just make it up as you go."
102#- "Watching the excitement in her face while she runs to me across the playground after school. "
106#- "Knowing one day I will get to walk my little girl down the isle"
Some of us are lucky enough to have Dads, some of us not. I have had people approach me and say they are in a very similar position and what should they do? How was I strong enough to do it? And honestly? If I wasn't constantly knocked down by the man I called Dad, I don't think I would have been strong enough to do it. My step father made me strong because he was cold towards me, so I grew up with a heart of steel.
I would say do it. No matter what your circumstances are, despite anything, still do it. You could be on great terms with your family and really there would be no reason for you to want to explore that in their eyes but despite this, still never doubt your curiosity. You will discover whom supports you and who doesn't and it was an eye opener for me to see really who cared about me and who didn't. Everyone in this world despite the past, despite anything, has the right to know and go find their biological parents or family. Whatever has happened or is happening right now is irrelevant, its about you and what you want to do. Do it, if its not the result you hoped for,that's fine, infact it's great because you have got closure you wanted and you wont go through life thinking 'what if', it will make you a strong person, and if you want someone there to support you every step of the way, you can count me in, I will be available for you through it all, even if you feel like no one else is, I will and I will back you all the way.
If I had to give one piece of advice , it would be, don't be influenced by negativity , be open to positivism and accept only support and dismiss disapproval.
Looking and finding my Dad was one of the best things I have ever done in my life and it has provided me with so much closure and comfort, I have found a man than can love me as his daughter and find a friend in me. I have discovered so much and this year has made me learn how important to me it is to have my Dad in my life. He has already taught me so much about myself and I have discovered so much about him. It really has been an incredible journey and I cannot thank my Dad enough for actually accepting me and wanting me to be apart of his life 21 years later.
