One week before travelling to the states... How did I feel? I couldn't tell you how I felt, it was a very weird feeling. It was like in my mind I was really excited yet felt very calm about it all however my body was behaving in a different way. I was getting heart palpitations that was taking over my day, and I was thinking about scenarios in my head that never even crossed my mine before... like what if our plane crashes and we don't get there? What if I need to some reason cancel our holiday? What if we get there and he doesn't like me? What if his girlfriend doesn't like me? What if Dad see's me having one of these palpitation episodes and think I am a weirdo? Or I'm not normal? What if Mum is worrying or upset? What if after he meets me, we never speak again? Things like this never would have even encountered into my head before and I couldn't explain to you why I was thinking like this. When people asked me "Are you getting nervous about it now?" I would simply reply "No , why would I get nervous? He's my Dad, for work I meet new people all the time".
It was odd, my brain had nothing but positive thoughts yet some sort of crazy anxiety was trying to take over. I am a strong person, but even this was making me feel weak.
I don't know if any of you have experienced palpitations but they are one of the scariest things I have gone through and I have been through some scary stuff like encephalitis, hurricane and carbon monoxide poisoning, and for some reason this felt like the most scariest thing. The palpitations had me convinced there was something wrong with my heart and I was freaking out it was going to stop me from enjoying the time of meeting my Dad. I was worried that I couldn't forget about them being there and that they were going to spoil my time with Dad. I was determined to not let anything get in my way, physically or emotionally with meeting him for the first time, it was going to special and no one or anything could take that away from me.
Mum was texting me asking me how I felt about everything and I couldn't emphasise to her enough how excited I was! I couldn't be happier yet at the same time, I couldn't believe the time nearly arrived. It didn't feel real, like it wasn't going to happen...
Dad was super excited and kept video calling to say he couldn't wait for us to come over and he was counting down the days with me until we travelled up to Georgia. It was so lovely to know how excited he was too and how much he was looking forward to meeting us for the first time. He had this look on his face that he was truly excited for this.
DAD- I love U
ME- I love U2 dad
DAD- Forever
ME - <3
DAD- Thank u for always being there and having the kind heart you have been given. Your advice and not being judgemental means the world.
It was so lovely to read these kind of messages and I just choked up. It was getting close to meeting Dad and I felt so appreciated and valued. Its a feeling I couldn't describe. Just felt - loved by him really. That was a nice feeling. I would sit there sometimes and read through messages like this from him and the tears would just roll down my face... from happiness of course, I sometimes felt like it was just a dream and I would wake up from what could have happened with Dad. I almost felt like it couldn't happen to someone like me... I still couldn't get my head around at how I deserved such an unbelievable outcome.
Dad had messaged Will also saying how excited he was, he told him I was going to meet quite a few family members on Dad's side which I was exhilarated for. I couldn't wait to meet the other side, it wasn't even on my mind a few years ago but right now- at this moment, it's all I could think about and be excited for. I knew Will couldn't wait either. He was like an excitable child, kept on talking about it and kept on saying " I can't believe we are going to meet your Dad"... and I couldn't believe it either. What a journey it's been so far and to meet him in the flesh, was going to be life changing.
When I bumped into people on the street and got messages from people on Instagram, a lot of them couldn't believe how calm I was acting. The reality of it was, I was so calm, my mind and heart wasn't but generally, really relaxed, or I would like to think I was. I was treating it like I was going to meet a friend, someone who was my pal and that way, it wouldn't seem so nervy.
"Your going to meet you Dad soon, are you nervous?"
"Isn't it strange, your going to meet your Dad for the first time ever?" "I can't believe your meeting your Dad"
"God your brave for going all that way and not knowing the outcome"
"I can't believe you have never met him and are now going half way across the world to meet him for the first time!"
I wasn't afraid, I wasn't scared, I was just a little nervous but mainly excited. I was spending my time with bellyaches and some restless nights but I still was very much excited and happy. I couldn't wait to see how he lived, find out more about him, hug him, cry with him, laugh with him and bond with him too. I knew it was going to go smoothly, even my little worries in the back of my mind, I knew it was going to be okay and be great.
My mum was super supportive of it and reassured me everything was going to be okay and amazing, she was genuinely excited for me and told me she was proud of me. That meant alot and put my mind at ease, knowing she was OK too.
I was sitting in the bath with a few days to go and Will came in and asked if I was alright, clearly because I had a glassy look in my eyes- I just sunk my head into my knees are cried like I had never cried before saying "I just still can't believe it, I have found my Dad and he actually loves me". When I say that I am crying, I am crying with absolute joy and the feeling of being overwhelmed. We portray tears as a negative thing and associated with pain and sadness, yet we forget to realise the most greatest and happiest things in our life can reduce us to tears. It's just how some of us cope with severe joy! And I am a sucker for crying at happy stuff, more so than sad stuff. I cry more when I am happy than when I am sad. Fact.
Even though we had spoken on video call, it was still nerve wrecking to think about, but my excitement was through the roof. I couldn't wait to meet the man who contributed to my existence.
One more day until travel...
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