When I became a Dental Nurse and I bonded closer to the surgeon I worked for (whom was also my childhood dentist) and my Senior Nurse , I had told them about my biological father. My Senior Nurse Anita always use to ask me if I wanted to find my real Dad which I originally said no.
After 3 Years of being there she would ask me the same question. " Are you sure you don't want to try and find your real Dad?" - I then replied with, maybe I don't know.
Four years of being there, Same question. "Yes, I want to try"
Anita was like my big sister. I would go to her for all the advice and support. She always looked out for me at work. I use to speak to her about it sometimes and ask her opinion on what I should do and she would always stand by me and say you have to do what feels right but I know what I would do.
I was always worried about what people would think of me or if my mum approved or if my brother Theo would look at me different knowing I was only his half sister. I didn't know if I should tamper with the past or not. They always say to never look back.
Anita asked " Do you have any brothers or sisters you don't know about?" -I did ask my mum this question and she had told me I have two brothers that lives close by with same dad , different mum. She told me the names of them which I looked up once and saw pictures of them. I never went into speaking to them because I didn't know what they knew or anything.
Also I remember few years ago me and boyfriend at the time went out with a group of around about 12 of us, and at the time we were so close we was like family and Will was really drunk and came out with " Shawnie is half cast, she comes from a mexican".
I remember quickly scanning at everyone's reaction praying they didn't hear. They all just looked at me and blurted out "WHAT"
"Is he not your real Dad?!"
Great- how do I go from here? I hate lying. It is something that if you lie to me , your trust is dismissed. I would always honour people with the truth but it's also something I was very sensitive about also and didn't like talking about.
" Well not technically or biologically, my real dad is half mexican and half American"
"So wait. Where is your real dad?!"
"I don't really know, somewhere in the states I think?"
"So.. Your Half american?"
"Yes, Hispanic, or something like that, I don't really know, It's quite cool but yeah"
"Oh shit"
I felt awful. I hated talking about it. I was so cross I wasn't the one to tell people. I just wasn't ready at that point to speak about it.
Also during the summer of 2018 My skin tanned extremely well for some reason, my trainee nurse use to ask how I was so white one minute and then so dark. Truth was it's just in my skin and DNA.
Some of my girlfriends would laugh and say "Christ you have big nostrils" (Only when I flare them ok)
I feel I almost want to say , " Yes , my dad has dark skin with large nostrils, it's in my genetic makeup" lol. What I am trying to get at is, people almost knew that my step father wasn't my biological father. They would say your tiny, your mum isn't really small and your dad is tall - Little did they know my biological father is small.
Moving onto my job and how that made me wonder also...
My current job as a Receptionist at M&H you speak to people from all over the world. All countries with a range of accents.
In my third month of being there I noticed there was alot of calls coming in from the states. I found myself being extremely helpful to them because well, I don't know, I loved how friendly there were, how happy and how chatty they were. I could listen to their accents all day. I also go to Florida every year and love everything about it and the people there. I have never came across a rude or horrible American.
Whilst I am at home I listen to the American Radio Stations and have a guilty pleasure for country music. Luke Bryan, Blake Sheldon, Thomas Rhett. I love it.
I just love the place inside and out.
When I went to Florida in 2016 I thought to myself " How weird is it that I am going to the states and this is where my Dad lives? I wonder what he is doing... "
Every time I go there, I get intensely attached to the littlest things such as the chewing gum and how people just talk to you randomly and the heat. I love the Heat. I never feel uncomfortable in the heat, ever.
Another wondering thought that had crossed my mind was the fact that one day I was going to get married and I won't have a father to walk me down the aisle or give me away.
Another thought...
Is he Alive? Is he in prison ? Is he a millionaire? Is he a good person?Is he still in the states? Is he healthy? Is he loving? Is he happy? Is he married? Does he have other kids? Is he family orientated? Is he out there?
All these things were making me realise, If I don't try and find my Dad now, I probably never will and never get the answer to my questions.
