Discovery

I brought the idea up again about looking for my real Dad.

" Should I reach out to him?"

"Why would you not? You have got nothing to loose"

"Ok I'm going to do it"

"When ?"

"I don't know, soon"

So- I knew his name and I saw a picture or two of him once. And that is what I had to go by.

Mum briefly mentioned once before he worked in a bank and that he was really clever. I didn't want to tell mum what I was going to do, she was going through enough already, and I couldn't be bothered for any arguments if there was any to come up.

My outlook was " the past is in the past, don't dig it up, you will never be able to move onto the next chapter, this is about me and my biological dad now, not what you guys had, us now"

Truth be told, I was a little nervous, deep down, I wanted him to be happy and respond immediately, but I knew that wasn't going to case..

Where should I look? I don't have facebook, I don't have twitter , I only have Instagram and linked in.

I searched his name on Instagram in "Nathan Shaffer"

-Nothing.

Or not what I could see...

Hm- Google.

Nathan Shaffer.

Search Result's found.

I had found his name, a location and a bank that he was working at. Wow. There was a picture attached too. This seems like the guy! Ok he lives in Florida!? WHAT. I WAS RIGHT THERE. I know its a pretty big place but I WAS SO CLOSE. I am not entirely sure how up to date this page was, it didn't have any recent dates attached to it but that's all I could find.

I will leave it for now...

Weeks past and it was September 19th 2018

I was at work and I was updating my job description on my linked in account- Hm. I wonder.

Nathan Shaffer.

Found him.

The picture was obvious it was him from the one I had seen before and the one I saw on google. Shit.

I'm going to do it.

Linked in request sent to Nathan C Shaffer. What do I say? Do I say anything? I should probably say something because he would not know me by Shawnie May Smith, if he was to know my name at all it would be Chantelle Completely different.

Ok... probably should attatch something to this request...

"Hi! Would you be able to message me when you get a free moment. Just Would like to ask you something! (smiley face) " Ok-

Sent. 9:31pm

I done some research and fully assessed his profile on his linked in. This is deffo the guy. Went to Lowestoft College. Works in a bank. But lives in Georgia. Holy wow. He is a proper American.

Just had to wait now.

I went home and I told my partner at the time.

" I found my real Dad"

"WHAT! Did you speak to him?"

"No no, just send a linked in request. Do you want to see him?"

"Yes show me! Don't get upset though if he doesn't reply"

I showed him his linked in profile.

"Shawnie. This guy represent's professional athletes and is a vice president of a Bank"

"Oh wow. He is doing really well for himself!"

The next day passed. September 20th 2018

Nathan Shaffer has accepted your invitation. Shit.

Holy shit. Do nothing. Just wait.....

A day has passed and my brain was into over thinking mode- Keep it cool. Leave it. He has accepted. But hasn't acknowledged the message. Weird.  Maybe he didn't get it.

September 20th 2018

Ok he probably is old and didn't read the message, I will send one more and then if no response that is it. I can close this chapter.

Shawnie- " Do you know who I am?" 

I was telling my girlfriends. Anita said " Why did you say that! that's really creepy ffs, you have probably scared him" 

Great. I freaked him out.  He thinks I am a complete weirdo.

The girls reassured me and said everything was going to be fine. What I had td myself is to accept the fact he probably has a life now , why would he want to change after 21 years and talk to me after all this time.

I felt very mixed emotions, sad, accepting, excited. Life goes on

I decided to read his profile a little bit more. I noticed he had loads of volunteer work with children and he coaches soccer...

This guy is really good with kids. He spends time working with children, why would he not be in my life if he was working with kids and obviously enjoyed it. So... this doesn't appear to make any sense to me.

I told Will.

" Will, he does alot of work with Kids"

"That's cool!"

"Yeah but- He is obviously good with kids, likes working with kids and coaching them and stuff so, why was he not around when I was a kid?"

I couldn't look into it too much. I just knew this must of meant he was a good person and a good man. I believe everyone has good in their heart.

But it's the fact that he has spent 21 years of his life without me in it? I kept thinking why should he accommodate now for it? I was prepared for rejection and that was going to be ok. It does not matter. I am strong enough , believe me, I could be fine with this, and I honestly was.

I had certain friends that was so understanding and supportive. It helps to be able to confide in someone especially with a situation like this on what to do and what not to do. I honestly didn't know how to handle a situation like this and it was frightening. All kids want from their parents is to be loved.

September 25th 12:10pm linked in message pops up during lunch break at work.

Shit.

Nathan- No.

...