A few months ago my mum had announced she was divorcing R. She had realised how improper he was treating the family and how unhappy she was in that relationship knowing he was the source of the problem.
Prior to September 2018, I had brought up to my partner at the time about reaching out to find my real dad and wondered on his thoughts about it.
"You can do it, as long as you don't let it upset you, I don't want anything to upset you if your going to go through with this"
My response to that was "if he doesn't reply , or doesn't want anything to do with me, it is no loss, I never had it in the first place, but I think I am ready to try".
Could I face doing this? Could I handle him not replying and not wanting anything to do with me? Yes- I can handle it. My heart is made of steel. Did I want to do this? Hm- after years and years of consideration and thought, I wanted to find my real Dad. I wanted to know if it was because I wasn't good enough, or was it because him and mum were too young or not committed enough with each other. I wasn't really thinking about building any relationship with him, I had my guard up, I just wanted to just see if he would respond. That's all I was going to look for.
My Mum had always said to me, "you look like him" , you have his nostrils (because they are huge) and you tan like him because he has hispanic skin, and you definitely have his wind up sense of humour. All these little things I was revealed yet hardly discussed it made me wonder harder and harder about who I really am and who my biological father is.
There was a big chance I may never find him, he could have changed his name ( like what I did ) or he may have decided to bury that part of his life in the ground or there was some hope that he may of just been waiting for the day for me to find him. Just maybe.
The people who knew, which many people did not, use to say... Just reach out. Do it. You have literally nothing to loose. Which is so true. But nobody likes rejection. Well I really don't. I hate the thought of not being good enough but I like to think I am strong person and can take anything. I also didn't want people to think bad of me, which now frankly, I could not give a flying fuck whether they do or not. I need to stop worrying about what others think.
Some people ask " How does it feel not knowing your real dad?" - Truth was, I was never too bothered until I was around the age of 15 when it was clear my Step dad and myself didn't have a good relationship. Then I began to wonder how different life would be if my real dad was in the picture.
My mum told me that he was short with dark skin. He always use to like to joke around and not take anything seriously, little like me. From the age of 11 I began to suffer with acne and oily skin. She said this comes from my Dad because his skin was always oily.
Mum showed me a picture once when I was around 11/12 and it was of a family photo on my Biological Dads side. I spotted a super tiny older lady and asked who that was. Mum told me that it was my real dads mum ( so my Grandma, Granny, Nan, Nana ... whatever) She said that I get my petite-ness and tiny features from her. It was always a wonder for me what life would be like if they were still together or if I knew him, but I remained certain I wanted to go on with my life without him in it.
My thoughts were "If he wanted me in his life, he would have found me by now" or "He has made his decision of never being there, why should I bother" throughout by childhood, and almost felt some sort of dis-likeness for him. I built up this idea of him that he was like my step dad and that he isn't interested in knowing me, but really I had very little information to go by and didn't know his side of the story, I couldn't judge, I don't believe in doing this, it's wrong. I remained neutral of my thoughts.
Ok - So what did I know? I knew his name, I knew he lived in the states somewhere , not sure where about's but somewhere, he use to live in England and that's how he met my mum... What else? ... I saw one or two pictures of him when he was in the Marines. Oh and that I have two brothers that live in the town about 15 minutes away from me that are also his. I had no knowledge if they knew me, or if they speak to our Dad or anything really. I knew one brother is a year younger than me or even the same age.
I looked them up once, and saw they looked a little like me but just quickly closed the window and looked no further. I did not want the temptation to speak to them because little do I know, they might have no clue I exist and didn't want to create any conflict or problems.
The truth is , What happened in the past, no matter what I am told, I will never truly know what went on back then, but, that is something now, I am not interested in, I am interested in what happens next.
So - I have a dad somewhere in America (I think) , and two brothers that are my biological fathers with another women. That's what I knew.
Where abouts are you?
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