OMG OMG OMG HE HAS REPLIED.
My heart was beating so hard I was experiencing palpitations, Fuck.
I need to ring someone.
...
! Shit.
Jess. Ill ring Jess.
...
Jess isn't picking up ffs!
..
Anita?!
....
Did you guess? She also didn't pick up.
Looks like I will have to deal with this one on my own.
OK. What do I respond to with "No" ?
HOLY CRAP- I am speaking to my dad , that I have never met or spoken with for the first time. I gained a hard lump in my throat.
Why is no one picking up their god damn phones.
The responses as you can tell were quick and I could sense the shock in his responses, I didn't want to be too full on, it was a shock for me aswell that he responded. I print screened the convo to my best friends Jess and Anita.
Anita- OMFG
Jess- WE ARE BUSY AT WORK BUT HOLY SHIT
They rang me shortly after and laughed in amazement and said "this is so incredible, how do you feel?"
"I feel shocked , not too excited because he hasn't revealed too much yet"
He messages kept coming through quickly, I was just glued to my phone.
Dad- Oh, how are you? Did you try and contact me on fb?
Me- no I don't use facebook anymore, And I am really good thankyou
Dad- I expect you want to ask me alot of questions?
Me- Yes please, only if you don't mind?
I don't feel like he owed me any explanations really, I am not going to attack him and say why was you never there because I am not like that. I don't really care about the past, I care about what is going on now. I just wanted to be nice, friendly and just to chat really.
Me- I have found you on instagram just now , I didn't want to harass you lol ... I completely understand after 21 years you still don't feel you would want me in your life - I get that and I'd not talk to you again but I do just want to ask some questions , I just want to know why really did you not want me as a daughter? Was it because you was too young or never wanted kids ? What was it ?
Although i have said I don't care about the past which I don't , I was asking these questions for closure, if he never wanted to talk to me again, I can close that chapter , said that I have done my bit and move on.
Dad- You can send me an Instagram invite please. That answer kiddo is not a short response. Nor would I want you to think I didn't want you as a daughter. Maybe we can chat later? Only if you like? I'm glad you reached out
Later only appeared to be about 20 minutes later which I was really happy about.
Dad- What made you want to reach out?
Good question.
Me- Just curious to actually speak to my real dad
Dad- R. Raised you ?
Me- Yes he did raise me but still have curiosity and plus he didn't want to play the father role anymore since March
I don't expect you to play that role either (don't worry)
Dad- I'm sorry. I remember him. Let's make it clear now so your mind is at ease, you never bother me ok? I am very happy you reached out. Shocked some. But very happy. Tell me about you. 21 single? Engaged? Live on your own? With your mom? Chelsea supporter?
This reassurance just made me feel... happy- He wanted to talk to me and I wasn't bothering him. I felt so excited and so overwhelmed, I was expecting to cry but I didn't, I couldn't , I was obviously running on shock still.
Me- 21 , live with my partner and have a mortgage , I don't really like football but my partner does lol!
Dad- Very good
Me- What do you do?
Dad- I am the Vice President of a large bank. I also own my own company. I represent professional athletes
Me- Oh wow , that's awesome.
It really is fricken awesome!
Dad- Im a workaholic
I have to travel alot
So, what all do you know or heard about me? Besides what your mom may have told you?
I didn't know a terrible lot if i'm being honest, just that he wasn't around , with the little information I had been told you kind of build this perception of a person but you know it may not be right. I could see he was a workaholic from his linked in profile. He seems very dedicated and committed to his work. That's good though, I just figured this might mean he is busy alot of the time.
Nothing much really. I know you have other kids in Lowestoft too. M&M ? (I am not going to disclose this information)
But I haven't met them and I don't know if they know who I am either.
Dad- That's correct. M is supposed to move over here. I speak to M alot. Looking back I sometimes wish I was still there. But circumstances made it difficult for me to stay
M is a level headed young man. Same age as you really
Me- That's nice you have kept in contact with him, hope we could do the same?
This was the ultimate question where the answer to my question could be life changing or could be shut down very rapidly. I built this scenario in my head where he would just apologise and say something like I'm sorry but it's too late, we live separate lives we should continue this way... I don't know why I was so quick to think he would turn away, I guess if my step dad who had been there for 21 years could do it someone who I spoke to for about 1 hour could do it too.
I was at work and I opened the message that came through to my answer. My eyes filled with water and my throat was tightening up. My heart was throbbing out of my chest and my hands were saturated in sweat. The tension in my neck was getting tighter and tighter and I just wanted to burst into tears, which I didn't , but I felt like I could.
It hit me hard like a bus. I think it hit him too. I didn't want him to be sorry for anything, he hasn't done anything wrong in my eyes, he just was not on the scene.
I don't really want to go into detail about how my mum and my dad were, its irrelevant to me, all I know is he was not around but that didn't mean that he wanted it that way. Life is tough, we all make mistakes and we all can't change the past, but it is how we move forward and how we do things from now on. I will never really truly know what happened and if at the time I was wanted or not but I don't care and I just want things to be good from now on.
I can tell he was very sorry and he didn't want things to be that way, but they were and that's fine too, we all deal with things differently in our lives and I cant punish or feel angry towards my Dad for anything that I have no clue about.
Forgiveness in my eyes is a huge thing. Once you forgive someone , you can't let them make the same mistake again and again. I believe in two strikes and your out. I am very forgiving and I don't believe in holding grudges. Life is way too short to even worry about what has happened in the past, do whatever makes you happy and do not care in the world who frowns upon you, makes judgements or anything like that, It is your life and you have to be selfish with your happiness and I'm sorry but you honestly do. Some people may have pointed their fingers and shamed on me for the decisions I have made in my life but honestly, their opinions are irrelevant and you do not deserve a place in my life.
Me- It's okay, I forgive you. I am a very forgiving person. I am also very strong and I have had to be strong that's the only choice I have been given. I can understand, R is not in my life and I can confirm he will never come back into my life ever. He is a very toxic human being and he should of never taken on the role of being a dad because he failed when he was given an opportunity. I know mum didn't want that but I feel she was being overprotective and I am an adult and can make my own decisions, being optimistic, I look forward to develop a relationship with you in the future. :)
My mum was only being protective, they were young , dumb and foolish, But I don't point the finger and judge. They both know they made mistakes but it's not about the past anymore. I can't thank my mum enough for raising me and protecting me. She is a great mum and I blame her for nothing. Like my Dad, I blame him for nothing.
Dad- Proud of you Shawnie.
Me- Thanks! That means alot.
Dad- I enjoy speaking to you.
Me- I do too! What hobbies do you have?
Dad- hobbies are coaching youth soccer. Done this for 14 years. Boating as often as possible. I have a french bulldog that is a mascot to the athletes, so he gets alot of attention. Then work both jobs.
My day starts at 730am and usually ends at 10pm
Plus I am.old so I try to sleep as much as possible
I love french bulldogs they are amazing, I was thinking about getting one before we got Maui our pug x terrier. How weird. Yes , the soccor coaching has been confirmed. I knew he was good with kids.
He seems like a pretty busy guy. How does he fit all this into his day?
And he is funny. Like me. Lol
We spoke constantly on the day of September 25th, nothing around me seemed to matter and I just was intensely engaged within out conversation. I just wanted to talk forever and never wanted it to end. It was making me so happy. I almost felt like even though we was getting to know each other, we were bonding at the same time.
I always wanted one of those relationships when they are like "daddy's little girl" and they are more like best friends rather than father and daughter. I had this with my mum, we were more like best friends. But I still wanted it with my dad, I was so jealous seeing girls with their Dad's going out to places and having fun, I really wanted that.
Me- I go to florida every year. going in May. I go for my birthday and do all universal etc. I love it so much there, the heat and everything.
Dad- Where I live its hot 9 months of the year.
IMAGINE THAT. Heat 24/7, I would only dream of living in that climate.
Dad- Send me an invite on Instagram its this Bl*****n*r** then you can see cotton
Cotton is Dad's frenchie.
Me-
Is your parents still alive? I have seen a picture of your mum and I think I get my height from her.
(I think its a picture of your mum)
Dad
Lol my dad passed away about 5 years ago. Mom is 4ft10 she is little
How tall are u
Me- wow. That's where my height comes from! I am 4ft 11.
Dad- Blame that on ur grandma
Me- Do you have what's app?
Dad- no, I use another app to communicate with my daughter
WHAT
I have a freaken sister.
I always wondered if I did have a sister what she would look like.
Me- I have a sister?!
Dad- One sister. M*****
Me- How old ?
Dad -16 she is a daddys girl but she lives with her mom
Oh wow.
I wonder if she will want to meet me... or know me? I was so excited at this fact because I always wanted a sister and someone I could look out for and almost be best friends with, I wanted her to accept me first though. This is something else, she might hate me, she might not like it. I don't want her to think Dad is going to drop her because that will never happen. In my eyes she will always be his number one because that's the way it has always been and that should never change just because I am now here. I hope she will want to get to know me the way I want to get to know her. But I have to understand that she might not want too , to her , I am just a random stranger and could be irrelevant to her, I don't know , but it would be really cool to try. But again would understand if she didn't want too. I am not expecting anyone to accept me into their lives straight away, it's a big change.
Me- Will you tell your family about me?
Dad- Of course , my mom knows but I never knew what your name was, it was difficult
Me- My name was Chantelle, but it was changed to Shawnie May in 2005 I guess so you couldn't find me. I never really asked why it was changed to be honest.
Dad- I'll download whats app and text you.
I felt love almost immediately for my Dad. The way he was speaking to me and making the effort was more than my Step Dad had done in 21 years.
I was so excited that we were talking and getting to know each other, he was making me so happy and I felt instantly connect with him.
Can you even begin to imagine what it'sike finding your biogixal father and discovering he want's to be apart of my life. How incredible is this?
It was really quite amazing and emotional for what the whole of the 25th September entailed. It was just going so amazingly well and I was so grateful that my Dad wanted to speak to me.
For now, I just wanted to keep it quiet , Mums on holiday and I need to tell her myself in person.
...