I wasn't entirely sure how to say it, or what to say to my family. I wanted to be open with it and didn't want to hide anything. I don't have any reason to hide my Dad from anyone. I did wonder if I should break it to my Nanny before my mum comes home so I don't have to sit them both down to tell them. One at a time seemed alot easier in this scenario.
I was cooking dinner at home and I just called my friends " do you think I should tell Nanny and then tell mum when she comes home?" I was actually questioning myself whether of not it was a good idea.
" Do you really think that is a good idea? I think you should wait until your Mum is home, you know your Nanny will tell her"
"She won't. She has no right too. It's my news" I said trying to persuade myself.
"She will tell her. That's her daughter, she WILL tell her".
The problem was I was getting impatient. I just wanted to tell the world my news. I could not keep this to myself any longer. Something I have always seeked from not only my family but people in general is approval and acceptance, and I don't know why I have done this because, I don't need approval from anybody. This was my life, and the decisions I make in my life , I don't need disapproval from anybody, I am not taking that shit. I am happy with all the decisions I have made in my life, I don't have any regrets because if I did I wouldn't be where I am right now.
I have always been kind to people, or try to be,and I have always gave my all to my friends and my family and I never will change. I am me.
I couldn't figure out why people could so easily walk away..
My Dad has repeatedly apologised for not being there during my upbringing , and to be honest, I am not bothered about him not being there, I am bothered whether he will be there from now on.
I sat there watching the Greatest showman and it made me realise even n If you don't have a lot , make it all count. Put the most important things first and don't stress about things you can't change. I admired how everything he worked fowas to all to give his family the very best.
The final scene when him and his wife are watching his kids at the ballet show made my heart warm. I absolutely sobbed when he said to Zac Efron about watching his girls growing up. It made me realise there is Dad's out there that really love their kids and make the effort in putting them first.
My mother never said too much about my natural father. She just said that it wasn't his time to be a Dad and he wasn't around from the start. She didn't really bad mouth him at all, just said they were not good together and It just wasn't an ideal situation. Back in those days, if you were appeared to be a single mother without the father on the scene, it was assumed you had a one night stand and got knocked up.
Now this obviously wasn't the case, but my mum felt it was really important to have a father figure in my life and that is why she allowed my step father to take the role as my "Dad", looking back, she only wanted the best for me. That's what mum's do.
Like I said from the beginning, my step father paid for me to do certain things in my life like go to school, school trips, food, my first ped , that kind of thing, but despite of my step father buying me these things, his relationship with me didn't reflect on that. It was not the greatest relationship and it saddened me the the way he was, I was so confused to why he was the way he was.
I told my mum from when I was fifteen on wards, you deserve better. He never treated her the way she deserved to be treated. He was cold. My mum would remind me the fact that he took me on as his own and he financially supports us and works hard, but I could see past all this, he didn't take me on as his own like he should have, he never put the time and effort in and if he did, it wasn't because he wanted to, it was so my mum was happy.
They were polar opposites, my mum couldn't do enough for people and she was always so energetic and friendly, where he just was never happy and nothing anyone was doing was good enough. My mum gave him the world and it still was not good enough. To be honest, the way he was , I have to thank him for because if he didn't push me away or out of his life so much,I probably would of never had the push to find my dad. All I ever wanted, was for a Dad to love me, and though I could see my step Dad did at times when he would occasional show something he made it clear to me he didn't like me.
I think that's where my insecurities stemmed from really. Witnessing a man not being appreciative of what he has in front of him and not giving my mother the love and attention she deserved. It made me worry that I would not be loved and not good enough for somebody. I always have this concern that lays dormant in my head that I might not be good enough for a person, whether that be anyone in my life.
I try my best to make positive impacts in the people who have chose to be in my life and I want to try make them feel I am worth while to have a place in their life. I am really bubbly and fun ,I always go with that outlook when I meet people, nothing works better than a positive individual spreading happiness like its contagious. I know I always feel good when people are happy too. Believe me , despite all this going on, not for one minute did I let anything drag me down, as soon as you let it , you are defeated. Being strong is the most powerful thing, remain happy, positive and at peace always, I promise you life will be amazing, no matter who you are.
I had a best friend called Charlotte in high school, and I really did love her, she was a really good friend to me, we done everything together in high school and throughout my first year at six form. We both had something so big in common, she too didn't have much to do with her father. He lived very close by and they didn't have much contact with each other and who he was with was limiting his time with Charlotte. I always thought for her it would of been so hard because it was like one minute he could be there and next he wasn't. But she picked up her little lady ball's plus she was incredibly strong and she reached out to him. She got an amazing response and they met and bonded. She told be before reaching out she would listen to this song and I listened to the lyrics very carefully and could almost relate. She said she thought the song was beautiful and so meaningful to her. Sometimes she would just listen and It would make her feel better about her Dad.
It's like the song made me relate to my step dad not really giving me much of his time and no matter how much I would try to impress him he wasn't truly interested in it. But at the time it would make me think even deeper to my real dad who I never knew and how I sometimes had these thoughts that to him- I could have been a mistake and he never may of wanted me. That is what I had in my head sometimes. I truly never knew but I assumed his thoughts was not good of me to not be in the picture.
Sometimes at night I would just lay there and think " I wonder what he's doing right now..." just was always curious but never enough to want to ask, I would just let the thoughts enter and leave my mind.
There is something you need to understand though, these thoughts, never got me down. I have never suffered, I am always a very positive individual and I have never let anything get to the better of me, I am very strong, or like to think that I am. There was a point in my life where I thought I was having some sort of anxiety attacks however after it being investigated it turns out it was a side effect of the carbon monoxide poisoning I got from our house-But that's a different story.
I am happy now that my mother has now found happiness and is now free from all negativity in her life. This has been a long time coming.
I am also so happy that my biological father has found happiness in his life.
I have found happiness in my life.
" I am just going to tell her"
I phoned my nanny whilst I was cooking tea.
"Hello my darling, how are you?"
"Hi Nanny, I'm good, are you at home right now?"
"Yes but I am now going to bingo, what's up?"
This was frustrating as I felt like I just wanted to say it. So I did
" Nanny I need to speak to you, but I want to tell mum for myself So will you promise not to tell her ?"
"Right"
I could already sense the disapproval in her voice.
"Nanny, It's about my dad, my real Dad"
"Why? Do you wanna talk to him?"
"I am already speaking to him Nanny and-"
"Oh Shawnie! Why did you do that for!"
Man, that pissed me off.
"Because Nanny, I am a grown ass women , I have the right to reach out to my real Dad, I don't need your opinion on it, I am wanting you to make this easy and just accept the fact that he is going to be in my life and the more you frown upon me for doing it , the more you wish push me away"
"Well... I suppose your old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. You can't tell mum yet though, she is going through a lot, she has the divorce all going through"
"Nanny, no disrespect, there will never be a good enough time. Life happens every single day, there will never be an ok or good enough time. People will have their opinions on it but I need to care less about what others think , How about think about my feelings? Have you considered how I feel?"
I did value my Nannys' opinion a lot. Growing up her and my mum where my best pals. They protected me from the world and gave me endless amounts of love. She never had a bad word to say about me, she only spoke so highly of me.
"Ok ok. We will leave it, I won't tell Mum." .
I could feel my voice break, it was that fear of rejection again, what if the people I am closest too or where close to disown me? What if they dissaprove? Am I doing wrong? Will I hurt the people I love?
I said to her I am not interested in what happened in the past with my parents. It's really not about what happened anymore, whether he treated her poorly or she treated him poorly, it's completely irrelevant. It hurts me to think that way, I don't want either of my parents to feel hurt or upset but what is relevant in this situation is How I feel and what I am going to do. I just want to know where I come from and if I can have any kind of relationship with my Dad and if this could be successful, life can be great.
I know the way they look at it is that they are only looking out for me and want the best for me, but this is something I had done on my own and proceed with the risk of getting potentially hurt or let down, but something was telling me that he wasn't going to do that and from his actions, I felt reassured.
My Nanny reassured me and had a comforting tone to her voice,"Ok... Your Grandad never knew who his real father was either. I always use to say to him before he died, you would have probably been more happier if you tried to find your father, even if he didn't want to know you, at least he could of known. Your Grandad just refused, he didn't want to be rejected."
"I know he didn't, and he was too stubborn."
"Just don't say anything to mum yet" she said
Ok I could respect a few more days but I hated keeping things from people, especially my mum, I owed her the truth.
I texted my mum to say 'when you come back tomorrow evening from holiday, would you be able to meet me for a couple of hours, as long as you’re not tired.' She had agreed and asked what was up. I just explained it was nothing to worry about, but was important she knew sooner rather than later.
The next day...
This was the day mum was arriving home.
I got a what's app from Dad.
Dad- Good Morning
Me- Good Morning/Afternoon
Dad- Do you know Shelby smith?
Me- That's mum....... why.....
Uh oh. This wasn't good, I could just imagine mum going into over protection mode. I was so worried what was said, I was worried this was going to send dad running aswell. My nanny must of told her? Why would he ask!?
Dad- She has sent me a message saying we need to have a chat. I have nothing to say.
Me- That's her nickname Shelby.
You don't have to say anything Dad, I haven't even told her yet.
I was scared, borderline petrified, why were people not directly addressing me before saying anything, I had so many emotions going through my head at 1,000,000 mph.
I texted my mum immediately and was trying to get hold of my partner at the time to say what was going on. I didn't want to make a drama out of it, and I didn't ,that's what I didn't want to happen, I wanted it to go all smoothly, drama free, I needed this to be stress free.
Me- Mum, I was going to tell you, that was not her news to tell! She told me not to tell you yet!
Mum- Sweetheart, It's fine , I am so happy how brave you are to reach out. It's all good baby girl. Call me on your lunch , love you xx
No it's not fine, It was my news to tell! But my mum was happy with it, and this meant a lot to me. My mum didn't have an amazing relationship with her father, so I knew that this would mean the world to her to have a good relationship with mine.
Me - Dad, don't be freaked out by mum's comment, she is only looking out for me. My nanny must of told her!! Don't go, please don't leave :(
Dad- I wont leave u.
Dad- Granny never liked me.
This hurt that I couldn't tell my mum the news. I wanted to have it all planned out so it was done properly and respectfully.
I rang my nanny to explain how I felt and how wrong it was of her to tell my mum after persuading me not to tell her. She explained to me she couldn't keep things from her daughter and mum had asked her directly why I wanted to meet with her so urgently, she felt she couldn't lie to her face. Which I get, but just say "It's not for me to tell, I will let her tell you" but it didn't pan out quite the way I expected it too.
I flicked back to my Mum's what's app chat
Me- Lunch has finished, I'm glad your ok with it, this is the response I was hoping for, Nanny needs to understand it was not her news to tell. Theo will need to know too, maybe not now but eventually, it's important to be honest with everyone.
I knew my brother would take the news well. He looked up to me a lot and he is still my brother despite us having different Dads. He was my baby bro. I love him more than anything. This didn't change anything, I didn't want it too.
I had arranged to meet with mum at 4pm, which was in a couple of hours. This was to tell her everything face to face. My mum was a really good listener so I knew she would take it all in and reason with me. I know it will be a shock for her too but this was for me to deal with.
I flicked back to Dad's chat.
Me- Are you going to tell my Sister?
Dad- I plan on speaking to her Saturday.
I was so nervous, what If she doesn't want me in her life? Or what if she does and we could be really close, like proper sisters? There was so many thoughts going through my head.
In the above photo is my Dad and my half sister. Many of my friends and family had pointed out that me and my sister look alike. People think we have the same nose, cheeks , chin and eyes.
What do you think? I can definitely see I have a lot of my genetic make-up from my father.
Dad- Don't forget me and your moms relationship wasn't a fairytale. I don't want any arguments.
Me- I can imagine she wants to make amends or good intentions for the sake of me, you don't need to stress, if you don't want to talk to her you don't have too. But one day, you may have to come into contact with her.
Dad- I know and when the time comes I will be civil
Me- I was happy I got the response I did from you.
Dad- Shawnie,
I really look forward to us bonding. I do. I haven't stepped back in the UK for almost 20 years ish and I had that life. I cant wait to meet my little girl. I am very excited that you reached out. My days have been a lot happier and I look forward to us acting silly as it sounds like you have my humour. Thanks baby girl
I was getting more and more emotional. I couldn't wait for the day I could physically be with my Dad. Can you imagine the day where I get too physically be able to hug my dad and see him for the first time? It's crazy he is around 4,000 miles away and has a time difference of five hours.
Four O'Clock in the afternoon had approached rapidly, and my mum arrived on my doorstep. I opened the door with my heart racing a million miles an hour. She just looked up at me with her glassy eyes and opened her arms. She didn't say anything in this moment. I hugged her trying to avoid eye contact because I knew I would cry and I didn't want too.
I made her a cup of tea and we both sat down.
"I am alright with all of this, you don't have to fear my little lady, I am not cross, he is your Dad, you have every single right to do what you are doing, please don't feel you are doing anything wrong and you have to owe people an explanation because you don't " she looked at me with a warming smile
My mum made me feel safe, she made me feel better and like I wasn't upsetting anyone. I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt anyone in this process, it was just about finding my Dad.
"So tell me all about it then! I'm excited"
I explained everything to my mum and I don't know what came over me but I just began to choke up and couldn't get my words out.
I burst into tears.
" Mum, he has been so nice to me, I honestly feel so loved by him already and I can't fault him right now"
My mum wrapped her arms around me and said to me " Shawnie, he is your Dad, nobody is going to take that away from you, what we had wasn't good but we had you from it and you are the best thing. Just because things didn't work out with me and your Dad , it doesn't mean things can't work out for you both either"
I read all of my messages to her and I was just smiling whilst the tears rolled down my face.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to cry"
"Shawnie you don't have to apologise for anything , It's an emotional time for you, you are allowed to cry"
I just sighed and cleared by throat and continued to read the messages. I was not crying because I was sad, I was crying because I couldn't believe my luck and I was so happy, it was relief.
"Mum- I know I once said I don't want to try and find him, but I changed my mind and I was prepared to be knocked back, but I got the most incredible response and everything seems so good right now, I don't want anything to spoil it" I said wiping my face.
My mum was really understanding and accepting, I was really happy she was happy for me and was listening. She cried heavily and said she promise she would always be there for me and never let me down. It was her duty to always stand by me no matter what.
She was on her phone for a little bit and looked up at me and said "I need to send him a message though explaining that it's okay and that I know"
"Mum , you really don't need to do that, I don't think he will respond"
She had already composed the message and was waiting for my permission to send it. She handed me her phone to allow me to read what she wanted to send to him.
'Nathan, I just need you to know I'm ok with you and Shawnie having a relationship, she is my absolute world and I only want her happiness, we have a very close relationship and I just ask please don't hurt her she's been beaming about your messages. You and I was wrong but we got something so amazing and beautiful from it and that I will always be grateful for, so, no stress we are all older and wiser and if we can be adults about this I would appreciate it.'
"Ok. Send it. I don't know if he will reply"
"Alright, but I feel like I need to do this"
My Dad felt like he still couldn't respond to this message, even though it was very respectful, too much had gone on in their lives. He would of rather not respond. You just need to respect peoples wishes, even if they are not the ones you hoped they wished for.
I told my mum that it was about me and my father and not about them two. As much she wanted to put everything in the past, it just was already buried for my Dad, and I don't think he wanted it to be dug up. Some things are just best left alone.
My mum gave me a huge hug and said she was really happy for me and life was all going to be great. She couldn't believe how much we had in common and was happy that we could finally be in touch.
" Just remember I am here for you , no matter what, I am so happy for you, you really are so strong, stronger than me, I am proud of you"
There was something about my Mum that was reassuring and safe. We had such an intense bond when I was young and I did rely on her alot. After her approval, I was ready to begin my life with my Dad in it.
Announcing the news to my mum, I was more open to telling people what was going on in my life. I was so excited to spread my incredible news to the people I loved.
People came in and out of work and was asking questions. I told my friends and remainder of my small family. Everyone was so happy that this day had come, shocked but still so happy.
I told my friend Hannah too, she isn't very well right now. She has terminal brain cancer and it has lead to her being completely blind. I went over to her house and told her family my news. Hannah's mum revealed to me she also didn't have any contact with her father but unfortunately when she reached out, she did not get the response she had hoped for. I admire people so much who have reached out and it makes them so incredibly strong for them to deal with the consequences they were not hoping for.
Hannah and her family were so kind. They would ask for details and they provided me with support and advice which I cannot thank them enough for.
Hannah is such a positive and amazing individual. Even when she knows her illness is terminal she still has the most amazing and positive thoughts. She is the most inspirational person I know.
When I told her about finding my dad , the first thing she said was "That's amazing, when are you going to meet him?!"
I just looked at her and I was not really sure. "I don't really know, I know I am going to Florida next year so that could be a possibility? I haven't spoken too much about that "
"Well you need to meet him! and your sister! It's awesome having a sister... sometimes."
We both laughed.
I just was so happy I could spread my news to the world and not have anything to hide anymore.
Dad - It's your sisters home coming court tonight
Me- Oh my goodness, she is going to look amazing!
And that she did. She looked unreal.
...