Dad had spoken a few times about calling me but, due to the time difference it had proven to be slightly difficult as when he was finishing work I was likely to be going up to bed, and when I was on my lunch break he was then getting up to go to work.
It was things like this where you realised he isn't close by and he is half way across the world. Which was ok, I didn't mind.
I know this is going to sound corny, but ever since the day I spoke to Dad I listened to Miley Cyrus - The Climb. I felt I could relate to the lyrics. When I reached out, this song came on the radio on the same day and I just instantly related the lyrics to what was happening with my current situation, do you ever do that?
It was September 28th and I had two missed video calls from him. He messaged me.
Dad- I tried to call u.
This point we both seemed like we were free enough to speak. I couldn't believe this could be the moment I speak to my father for the first time.
This would of been the first time of hearing my dad's voice and seeing him properly without just being photographs.
Truth was I was absolutely terrified to answer it. What if he figured out he didn't like me or he thought I was annoying or something?
My phone went off , Dad was video calling me.
My ex diverted his attention to me "Answer it"
I just couldn't believe it, for others it probably didn't seem too much of a big deal but for me this was hearing my Dad and seeing him for the first time, it was just a huge moment for me. After twenty one years I have never heard his voice and this was the time for me to see what he acts like , speaks like, what he has to say and just yeah... huge moment.
I answered it - Connecting.
The connecting felt like it was going on forever, I just wanted to see my Dad.
Connected.
I saw him. He was driving.
"Hi Shawnie, How you doing?"
I just beamed ear to ear. This moment to you- I cannot describe how I felt.
That's my Dad! My Dad is speaking to me! In all my entire life, I never thought this was going to happen, I just accepted the fact he wasn't around and that's how it was going to be like forever.
I started painting thought's in my head and I just couldn't believe him and my mum were once together, it seemed surreal, and I was their daughter, I know that sounds stupid but I just couldn't believe I had found the other part of my DNA, something for a long time I didn't feel fussed about.
His accent was strong. Extremely strong to almost the point my ex couldn't understand him.
" Hi!"
It's like, I obviously knew he was American but didn't expect him to sound the way he did. I wasn't sure if I could call him Dad or not, I wanted too but didn't know if it would freak him out.
I found myself really struggling to get my words out and to piece together a convo, I wasn't too sure what to say, I felt like I had so much to say and to ask, I wasn't sure where to start.
I couldn't believe what was happening. I was speaking to my Dad for the first time. Bearing in mind, this is the same day I had told my Mum about finding Dad and being in touch with him. It was just all mental.
My nerves were settling and he was super nice. I felt really comfortable talking to him. It was like we had a lot in common and he was really reassuring. I couldn't really tell you what was said it was all a bit of a blur really. I was just in so much shock and it felt surreal.
Dad was speaking about his family and what his life is like which seemed pretty nice. He spoke about my sister who he then reassured me he would be telling her very soon, he reassured me that he would of told her straight away but felt it was important he spoke to her face to face as he wanted to be there for her. I knew this was going to be a really big shock for my sister. I am not entirely sure how she would react, I mean if that was me and I never knew I had a sister in the UK, I'm not sure how I would react.
I knew when Dad was planning on telling people, they would be surprised. He never revealed that part of his life to anyone because he thought that it was done and we would never be in contact. I guess I felt that way too, that it wasn't something neccesary to speak about.. He knew I was being looked after by my step dad and he was grateful that he done it and said he couldn't fault him for that.
I just hoped my sister would like me and know that I am not going to push her out of the picture or anything I am just here to be apart of it. I wanted her to know that nothing is going to change, her and dad will still remain close, if not closer and I wasn't going to take anything away from her.
He then said about coming over to visit, "Y'all should come visit here"
"I have plans to go to the states next year, heading to Florida"
"Well let me know when you are definitely going and I'll come down and see you."
"Wow would you really do that?"
"Of course, and maybe you could come up to Georgia and stay, I'll take time off work and show you around"
"Don't worry about taking time off work, I can work around you"
"No no, this is important, I would want to take the time off "
I was getting so excited. You know when you are like eight years old and being told Santa's delivering the presents tonight sort of excitement. Like I can't emphasise how incredible this feeling was. It was nice that good things where happening.
"And Shawnie you could get dual citizen ship here and have an American
Passport"
"Erm, I think I would need to sort the birth certificate out first"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, your not on the birth certificate because you wasn't around"
"That's no problem, we can just get a paternity test done and then it can easily be amended on the certificate"
Honesty is the best policy in my eyes. And it was so important to me that whether my biological father wanted to stick around or not, he was on the certificate.
The truth is I am his DNA, and a piece of paper wasn't going to change that fact or make it feel more real, I don't think so anyway, but a stable relationship would make it feel more real.
It's like I said for so long 'I don't care' and 'I'm not fussed', but all this encountering and bonding made me realise how much I really do care. I really care. I cared for so long but never admitted to it. Truth is if my step father and I had an amazing relationship and got on really well , I might of never wanted to find my biological dad but the fact this wasn't that case made me wonder.
Once I was told "Your like a Cadburys creme egg". Have a guess. What does the metaphor mean exactly?
"You know when you try and act tough and hard but really you're all squishy and soft on the inside?"
Yes?
"That's why your like a cadburys creme egg, because you want people to think you have this hard shell but really inside your all soft"
The metaphor couldn't be more accurate. That was me. I didn't want and still don't want people to think i'm weak and can't handle my shit because I can, maybe not well but I can do it.
When me and Dad continued to speak and laugh and ask questions about each other gaining more of an insight to each others lives and what we do.
"So you use to be a dental nurse? Why did you give up?"
I don't like that term, 'Give up' it's not something I have ever prepared myself to do is 'Give up'. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.
"I moved on, I didn't give up, I miss it sometimes, I love how practical it was, how my care for people was apart of my job and I made friends for life there and It's gave me an excellent qualification it's just my time to move onto something else and something new"
"Well whatever you end up doing I am proud of you"
I always wanted that. To make people proud, to make a difference and to know I am happy with my achievements. To hear your dad say that or your mum say that they are proud of you, was a pretty big deal.
I have always told my other half that happiness comes before money. If you love a job and get shit pay nothing is more rewarding than the enjoyment. But if you get paid well and your not happy, that's a problem. I had to put my happiness first and walk away. Someday I might find love for it again but right now, I want to progress into another area.
We laughed and joked like we were friends and I just couldn't get over how we were alike.
I just was so grateful and felt blessed for this outcome.
We spoke what ended up to be around an hour which felt incredibly short, but amazing.
I came off the phone and just sat there. Will had looked over and said "Are you ok?"
Floods of tears came out of my eyes. I couldn't begin to explain to you how I felt, it was very surreal.
Will came and sat next to me and hugged me and reassured me that It was ok to cry and was emotional but was all very amazing.
I just couldn't believe my luck. The first time I spoke to my real dad ever. How do you describe that feeling? I wanted to tell mum which I did and she was super happy. All she wanted was for me to be happy.
I was crying because I was so happy. One of the happiest moments in my life.
I remember when Will proposed and he was acting really strange. We were in epcot in Florida and he was like I want to get a photo of the fire works.
No , he never wants photos why is he being so odd.
When he handed his phone to a couple and ask to take a photograph of us and then actually got down on one knee was a very surreal moment. It's like that moment since you was a little girl you dreamed of and it was happening with love and magic was just a very amazing thing. The best moment of my life and whenever I get down I go back to that moment and relive it , because nothing makes you feel more amazing than your boyfriend admitting he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and committing himself to it.
When me and Dad got off the phone it was late, I just laid awake and just couldn't get over that something amazing just happened. My heart was filled with love and my head was going insane. Never did I think that this day was going to happen.
You know when you don't realise that your smiling and it's when you slam back into reality and it's like my cheeks hurt? That's what I was doing, just constantly beaming. The feeling of being loved is just such an amazing thing and it's so wonderful that it's coming from my Dad that I haven't had anything to do with for twenty one years.
Dad text me right before I closed by eyes.
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