Dad has managed to download what's app and get my number so we could text without having to use linked in messenger. It was easier to send photographs aswell as he had attempted to send me one of Cotton (His frenchie) but linked in for some reason wouldn't let me view it.
Dad- Is this u?
Me- This is me.
Dad- Great I did it
These messages made me giggle. He was hilarious without even meaning to be. (Bit like me I guess lmao)
Dad- I remember the name Chantelle ,G. Lark told me
Me-Who is that?
From the surname I understood it must have been something to do with my mum's side as she was a Lark.
Dad- He is related to your grandparents somehow. Your mom's maiden name was Lark right?
Me- Yes- btw , Tony Lark (my Grandad) died of an aneurysm 2 years ago now, it was very sudden.
Dad- I'm Sorry to hear
Me- It's fine, Grandad did not look after himself at all with regards to his health. He was a heavy smoker. Had been since he was 13.
I said to him once to try and quit smoking, I use to get stern with him and say" Do you want to see me walk down the aisle and meet your Grandchildren? You continue with smoking you are never going to live to see these days."
He use to laugh at me and tell me he was ways going to be alive and he had smoked that long it wouldn't be a problem. I tried hard to get my grandad to quit smoking, to the point it would make cry because I knew the damage it was doing whilst he had the aneurysm.
Sadly it took his life, unexpectedly. His unhealthy lifestyle lead him to have an aneurysm and it was just a ticking time bomb waiting to go at any moment. I was away in Bath for a hen do when I received the call. It was devestating watching my mum break down and collapse into he knees. I needed to be there for my mum, so I held back the tears and thought I can be sad after, right now, my mum needs me.
Dad- Sorry, Smoking will kill ya for sure. My dad died from it.
Dad- So what do you know about me if anything?
Me- When you found out mum was pregnant... what happened?
Dad- I freaked out because we didn't discuss as adults about the pregnancy. I was scared, I wasn't ready. A couple of months we stayed together but we argued. It was doomed from the beginning, The relationship, I never said you was a mistake ever, we was just irresponsible, I would never say anything negative about your mom or R. I was to blame.
My dad wasn't to blame, neither was my mum. These things happen in life. Sometimes we don't plan things and it appears scary. They were young and unprepared for me to come along and bringing up a tiny little human can be so daunting especially if it's not planned or in an ideal situation like my mum and dads. They may have dealt with the situation in a bad way but we are all human and it is what it is, the past can't be undone, I am here and I was raised really well by my mum. My step dad Was not around too often but when he was he was fairly ok with teaching me right from wrong.
My mum, if I am being completely honest acted on behalf as mother and father the majority of the time which she was awesome at. There was certain things I probably wasn't and still am not good at being which is filtering my thoughts. When I was in year one, it was show and tell and I decided to tell the class that "my mummy has flat poo today" ... my mum was not best impressed and probably won't be for me mentioning this again (Sorry mum) lol. But other than that, my morals, views and respect is all pretty darn good.
Dad- I was young and stupid and wasn't ready for the relationship.
This is completely fair enough, I honestly couldn't respect my dad enough for being so upfront and honest, he didn't have to be, he could have been a coward and completely avoided the questions. I honestly feel my Dad is so brave and respectful for admitting all this to me , it made me understand why him and my mum were not together and why he was not on the scene. I get it, and for not one minute do I believe he is a bad person, and he also deep down should know he is a good man with good intentions irrespective of what the past is.
Me- Ok that's fair enough , I understand.
Dad- As horrible as it may seem about my past, I never regret what I had. Good or bad. As far as your mom goes, she is fantastic and she has raised you even if it seemed bad at times all she wanted to do is protect you. I'm confident of that. Trust me if I could turn back the clock I would smack the crap out of me. I am not proud.
Me- Thank you.
Everything my dad was saying was so respectful and heroic. Honestly, it was heroic. I could not fault this man so far. In my eyes if someone was to admit they done wrong , it truly is incredible as so many people now a days are stubborn and will never admit they do wrong. I could not fault him at all. To be honest, the only interest in my past was "Why was I not apart of your life" and he had answered it honestly and apologised. He didn't want it to be that way but that's the way life panned out.
Dad- but knowing you are healthy, happy and some dude is looking after you makes me smile. I wish i could have held you just one time and tell you that I love you. And now , I am here for you. But you must realise the truth, to you , I wasn't a good dad or father figure. I regret that, all I can say is I am sorry and I screwed up, no excuses.
I just felt this intense hard lump appear in my throat. My eyes were so filled with moisture that if I blinked once more , I would be "crying" and I just couldn't even bring myself to read it.
I just didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong which is what I had to be over this year of feeling I had lost a dad (my step dad) and had been completely disowned and dropped by him. How is it that someone you are suppose to depend your life on and trust more than anyone in the world can just walk away. It is likely it is easy for him because I was not his DNA but it just made me realise how when I come to have children how important it is to ensure they are loved and protected by both sides of the parents. This whole year of me not feeling loved by my family I just wanted to discover finally my real Dad and if he could love me.
" You're not going to cry are you?" my ex asked.
I cleared my throat and smiled " No."
I know I am allowed to cry, but I am fine honestly, I feel like I am still in shock ,it's crazy
My word, never have I felt so loved. It was so incredible how much my Dad wanted me in his life as much as I wanted him. Already he had made so much more time and effort than me step dad ever did. I just felt love for my dad almost straight away, I didn't know if it was humanly possible too but I did.
Dad- This is your sister.
Photo sent-
Oh my god, she is absolutely breath takingly beautiful.
People would say to me, "THAT IS YOU WITH BROWN HAIR, THAT IS SCARY"
I could also see the similarities, we had very similar noses and eyes, even cheeks to be fair!
My ex partner analysed the photo and said "That is actually crazy how much she looks like you! You can so see that is your sister"
I responded by saying"Really?! She is so stunning, I wonder if she will want to meet me or speak to me?" I pulled a face whilst gritting my teeth together and was looking for reassurance.
My ex said to me " She might not want too know you, you know"
" I know, I do get that, she might think it's all weird and I'm some weird random stranger" I laughed to lighten the convo
Thats what I was reminded of that is exactly what I am. Just a stranger to her.
I was completely fine with this fact if she didn't want to get to know me one day, as long as I could develop a relationship with my Dad that was fine. Obviously it would be awesome if she wanted to get to know me too but I have to be prepared that she might not want to and I have to respect that.
Dad continued to send me photographs of people in his life, like his athletes that he represents.
That's so cool, my dad works with athletes, professionals like wow. What a great job to have along side of being a vice president of a bank.
Dad- You look very beautiful and yup you look like me lol
Dad- my athletes are very protective of my daughter and now daughters.
My Dad was already looking out for me.
We got onto the convo of how we both love the heat and hate the cold. In Savannah where he lives it's very rarely cold and hot constantly.
Me- I love the heat
We spoke about Dads home and he sent me photographs of his hometown in Savannah.
It was so beautiful.
Was this Dads way of hinting to video call? I can't even begin to imagine to physically speak to him, to hear what he sounds like.
I just was memorised by Dad's messages. He was saying all the right things and I couldn't be happier how things were going.
We continued to text and I sent him a photo again of me and my mum which he then said I looked young. I laughed and said " At least I will look young when I am your age"
He was just hilarious. Effortlessly hilarious. We defiantly had the same sense of humour.
Can you remember that Dad told me that Grandma was 4ft 10? This was the Grandma. I was so eager and desperate to meet her, I wanted to tell her we are short assess together. She obviously knew about me but didn't ever get the chance to meet me. I am still hoping for that day to come.
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